


Say Something (I'm Giving Up On You)

by destielonfire



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, Blow Jobs, Coming Out, Getting Back Together, M/M, Musician Castiel, Mutual Masturbation, Reunions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-30
Updated: 2016-08-30
Packaged: 2018-08-12 01:05:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,447
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7914421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/destielonfire/pseuds/destielonfire
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean couldn't believe his eyes. Right in front of him on stage playing bass guitar was Castiel Novak, the man who had up and left him without a word almost three years ago. The man who'd left him heartbroken. Dean resolved right there and then that he wouldn't leave tonight before getting some answers, and maybe, finally, some closure.</p>
<p>After the concert had ended, he made his way to the backstage entrance, determined to speak to Castiel and find out the truth.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Say Something (I'm Giving Up On You)

“Look, I know you probably hear this all the time, but I know the bass player. We went to college together. I just want to say something to him, please!” Dean pleaded with the bodyguard who was blocking the backstage entrance of the club.

The man looked at him with a thoroughly bored and unimpressed expression on his face. “Yeah right buddy, as if I haven’t heard that one before. Move along now,” he said, making “shoo” motions with his hands.

Dean sighed and started to turn around, only to be stopped by a hesitant “Dean?” coming from the doorway behind the bodyguard. He whirled around and was instantly met by bright blue eyes that were so familiar it made his heart ache. “Cas,” he said, “I…I saw you on stage and I just wanted to come and…talk…maybe?” He trailed off and nervously ran a hand through his hair, his confidence rapidly draining away under Castiel’s unblinking gaze.

When Castiel didn’t react for a full ten seconds, Dean lost his nerve and took a few small steps back, mumbling, “This was a bad idea. Sorry, I’ll just…go”.

He was just about to make his escape when Castiel abruptly turned around and headed into the hallway. “Let him in, Mike,” Dean heard him say before he disappeared out of sight in the dark corridor. The bodyguard – Mike – immediately stepped aside and gestured Dean to come inside.

After a moment’s hesitation, Dean forced himself to start walking in the direction Castiel had disappeared off in. The dark corridor had several doors that Dean ignored because they were all closed. He headed instead through the doorway at the end, which opened up into a lounge-like room with several comfortable looking couches spread across the space and a small bar and DJ booth tucked in the corner. The music was loud enough to make conversation challenging. There were about two dozen people milling around, chatting and having post-concert drinks and – judging from the inebriated look of some of them – getting a head start on the afterparty.

Surveying the room, Dean spotted Castiel walking into an alcove. When he followed him, he discovered that it led to a small room with a door that – after Castiel closed it behind him – seemed to muffle the thumping beat of the EDM music quite well.

Dean looked around the room, desperate to have something to do while he gathered his courage to face Castiel. It was sparsely furnished with just a velvet loveseat in a deep blue color and a vanity table and mirror. There was another door that presumably led to a bathroom. Maybe this was some kind of changing room for the artists, Dean thought.

“Dean. Look at me.”

Castiel’s voice was firm and confident, as if he expected – knew – that he would be obeyed. Dean steeled himself and turned around, surprised at finding the other man standing very close to him.

“Geez Cas, personal space, remember? After all these years that still hasn’t sunk in, huh?” Dean chuckled as he took a quick step back, putting a little distance between them. Castiel raised an eyebrow, his lips twisting into a wry smile.

“As I recall, you didn’t use to mind me standing close to you. You’ve changed, Dean Winchester.”

Anger coiled in Dean’s stomach and he balled his hands into fists in an attempt to stay calm. “You don’t get to say that to me, Castiel Novak. I haven’t changed shit. It’s you who –“ He broke off, not wanting this to devolve into a screaming match. That was not why he had come here.

“Look,” he said, tempering his voice, “I didn’t come here to fight.”

Castiel looked at him with that little head-tilt of his, a familiar gesture that Dean had always found incredibly endearing, but that only served to annoy him now. “Why _did_ you come here, Dean?”

Dean chewed on his lip for a moment before answering, “My friend Benny got tickets to see The Seraphs play, and I just tagged along. I’d never even heard of you guys – he did say you were pretty underground. But then you were there and I couldn’t believe it. I just –“

“You couldn’t believe that I’d actually made something of myself? That I actually succeeded in my chosen career, despite your efforts to make me choose something more ‘reliable’ and with ‘less competition’?” Castiel spat out the words, the verbal quotation marks cutting through Dean like a knife.

“No, Cas! That… that wasn’t what I was going to say.”  Dean turned his head away, couldn’t face Castiel while he confessed why he had said those things nearly three years ago. “I said those things back then not because I didn’t believe you could succeed. I was sure you would, and then it would have been only a matter of time before you left me.”

He did meet Castiel’s eyes now, wanting the other man to see the pain in his own, to see how much he meant it. “And you did leave me, Cas.”

Castiel looked like someone had punched him in the gut, and he actually reeled back a little. “ _I_ left?! It was _you_ , Dean, who had already decided that we weren’t worth fighting for, that _I_ wasn’t worth the effort. I left because you had already let me go!”

Dean flinched back, stunned. “How can you say that?” His voice came out sounding broken and lost and he hated that he was showing this side of him to Castiel when he had promised himself he wouldn’t. But he just couldn’t help himself. All the sorrow, anger and regret he had been feeling for these past few years – which had dulled somewhat with the passage of time but never really went away – were coming back in full force, washing over him and making his head spin.

“I wanted you to stay. We were so good together, we could’ve made it work somehow. But you just… That day when I came home and all your stuff was gone…” He squeezed his eyes shut. He had to get this out no matter how difficult it was. This was why he had come – to get closure, to put this painful chapter behind him and move on.

“You broke me, Cas,” he said through gritted teeth, forcing the words out. “I haven’t been whole since.”

Opening his eyes, he met Castiel’s gaze. “And I need it to end. I need to put this whole thing behind me. But for that I need answers. So I’m asking you: why did you leave? Was it really because you thought I had given up on us? Because that is the furthest thing from the truth…”

Castiel’s eyes narrowed in anger. “Oh really?” he asked sardonically. “Then tell me, Dean, why after a year of dating you still hadn’t introduced me to your family – not even to your brother? Cause I’d love to hear your explanation for that. In fact, let me help you get going.” He put on a mocking, slightly higher pitched tone. ‘I, Dean Winchester, am a bisexual man who is so far into the closet I’ve made friends with all the animals in the entire kingdom of Narnia. I was ashamed of my _boyfriend_ and tried to hide him away.”

Castiel suddenly dropped the act, too pissed off to even continue with it. “That’s why you always insisted we just ‘have a quiet evening in’. That’s why, the few times we _did_ go out on dates, we avoided the parts of town you knew your hometown friends would hang out in.”

The blood had drained from Dean’s face, making him look pale, and he felt nauseous. But he couldn’t deny it because it was true. Back then he could rationalize every single action, could tell himself that they hadn’t gone back to Lawrence to see Dean’s family because it was just more convenient for them to spend the holidays apart as their families’ plans didn’t quite match up and they were still so _new_ then. Could convince himself that the reason they stayed inside so often and weren’t really affectionate in front of their friends was because their relationship was none of his friends’ business, and because he just liked to stay inside and cuddle up to Castiel while watching downloaded episodes of MST3K or Doctor Sexy on their laptop.

He foolishly hadn’t considered that Castiel might have noticed all the things he was and wasn’t doing, and would so easily guess the true reason behind it. All these years he’d been so angry and sad at Castiel’s sudden departure that he had twisted the past in his memories, had somehow forgotten about this part of their relationship and had pushed it all on Castiel.

This had been a mistake. He’d thought he could come here to put the whole thing behind him. Instead, even while being faced with Castiel’s fury, he found that he wanted nothing more than to hold the other man in his arms again. Abruptly, all his anger and frustration drained away, and he was left feeling empty except for the guilt and despair settling into his stomach like a cold stone.

“You’re right… Oh God, you’re right,” he said, sinking into the loveseat behind him and putting his hands in his hair, tugging violently on the short strands. “It was me. I was a coward. I did hide you – not consciously – but I did. We were just so happy together and I didn’t want to ruin it by –“

“What, Dean? Causing ‘drama’? Having to come out to your friends and family? Actually acknowledging our relationship?” Castiel sounded a bit calmer now, resigned even. As if he knew how this conversation would end and had accepted the outcome.

“You don’t know my dad, man, he-“

“No,” Castiel cut him off, walking to the door and placing his hand on the handle. “And now I never will.” He opened the door, the sudden influx of obnoxious music painful to Dean’s raw nerves. “I think this conversation is over. Goodbye, Dean.”

Before Dean realized what he was doing, he’d stood up, walked a few paces forward and grabbed Castiel’s elbow. He pulled Castiel back, shutting the door behind him and putting himself between the door and the other man. It couldn’t end like this – this wasn’t right! He _had_ to fix it.

“Cas, please, just, let me say something,” he pleaded.

“I think you’ve said enough,” Castiel spat out, furious. “There’s nothing more _to_ say. You were never planning on making it ‘official’ and I wasn’t planning on sticking around and being your dirty little secret.” He squared his shoulders, facing Dean head on.

“When the offer came to join The Seraphs, I didn’t hesitate. I knew they would give me the opportunity to live the life I always wanted – on the road with my music. Staying with you would’ve meant living in the shadows in Kansas or even Lawrence, probably as your ‘friend’ and never amounting to anything at all. I couldn’t do that.”

He stepped closer, eyes hard and cold. “The Seraphs are my future now, Dean. You said it yourself: we need to put this whole thing behind us. Now you know why I left, why we never would have worked. Now maybe I can finally go to sleep without seeing your face every –” Castiel snapped his mouth shut and pursed his lips, clearly regretting saying as much as he had.

But that little confession gave Dean hope. Hope that as much as Castiel was pretending that he didn’t care anymore, that he was over it, maybe that wasn’t the truth.

He decided to do something he should’ve done three years ago.

Dean pulled his phone from his pocket and started dialling, holding up a hand to signal Castiel to wait. With an annoyed huff, Castiel complied, evidently curious at what Dean was up to.

“Winchester residence, Mary speaking.”

“Yeah, hi mom, it’s me.”

“Dean, honey, it’s 11 PM at night – are you okay? Is something wrong?” Mary asked, alarmed.

“No, no, I’m okay, nothing wrong,” Dean quickly reassured her. “I’m sorry I’m calling so late, but I got something important I need to tell you. Hey, is Sammy there? I thought he was visiting you this weekend.”

“Yes, he’s here. He’s in the living room watching tv with your father right now.” Dean could hear the burning curiosity in Mary’s voice, but obviously she was restraining herself from pushing for answers until Dean was ready to give them.

“Good,” Dean said, “Listen, could you please get dad and Sam in the room and put me on speaker? I’d rather not have to repeat this conversation twice.”

There was another pause as Dean waited for Mary to gather everyone in the living room and turn the tv off, all the while not taking his eyes off Castiel’s, who was slowly but surely coming to realize what Dean was about to do.

“Okay honey we’re all here. Go ahead,” Mary said.

“Hey dad, hey Sam. I gotta keep it short because I’m actually keeping someone waiting here and being rude. But I just needed to tell you something that I should’ve told you a long, long time ago. I’m sorry it’s not in person but it’s important that I do this right now.”

The anticipation was palpable, even through the phone. “Go on, Dean, we’re listening,” Mary said encouragingly.

Dean took a deep breath, wanting desperately to close his eyes but knowing he had to keep them on Castiel, to hold the connection between them.

“I’m bisexual. I like both men and women.”

He heard the scraping of a chair and Mary making some shushing noises, but ignored it and continued before he lost his nerve.

“Remember when I moved off campus just before I started my last year at uni, and that I put out an ad for a roommate? The guy who answered the ad, and ended up becoming my roommate, was Castiel Novak – I told you about him, remember? Well, truth is….we, uh, started dating after a month and we were together all through the year.” Castiel’s mouth had gone slack and his eyes had widened in amazement. But he wasn’t moving, wasn’t telling Dean to stop. It boosted his confidence, so he pressed on.

“Cas was… the best thing that ever happened to me. But I drove him away. Because I was afraid of what my childhood friends, our neighbours, and you would say if I brought him home to Lawrence.”

He heard Mary gasp and Sam blurt out a “Dean!” But he figured he could finish this conversation with them later. Yes, it was unfair dumping all of this on them without a warning and over the phone, but Dean wasn’t doing it for them. He was doing it for Castiel – he owed it to him - and he hoped they would understand.

“I fucked up and he left and barely a day has gone by that I haven’t thought about him.” He was saying this to Castiel now, focusing completely on him while his family still registered somewhere in the back of his head. “And I know I can’t ever make things right. But I needed to do this. For him. And… for me.”

There was silence at the other end of the phone. He could almost hear his family breathing, especially his father, whose breaths were coming out in loud and harsh puffs of air – proof that he was decidedly not unaffected. But that could wait. It had to.

“Listen, I… gotta go. But I promise I’ll come by next weekend to see you,” Dean said, selfishly eager to wrap up this conversation and put the fallout out of his mind for a little while to refocus on Castiel.

Dean could hear Mary covering the phone with her hand while she and John held a whispered conversation too quiet for him to hear. After about half a minute, Mary returned the phone to speaker mode. “Okay honey, we’ll speak to you soon.” Mary’s voice sounded serene and firm and it calmed Dean’s frantic heartbeat down a little. Dean was just about to hang up the phone when he heard Mary say, “Oh, and Dean?”

He returned the phone to his ear. “Yes, mom?”

“Don’t let him get away this time.”

With that, she hung up on him, leaving him gaping at his phone while he processed what she’d just said.

“Dean.” Castiel’s soft voice shook him out of it, and he once again locked eyes with Castiel, slipping his phone back into his pocket.

“You didn’t have to do this. After all this time it hardly matters anymore” Castiel’s voice sounded small and uncertain and Dean hated it. He’d rather have Castiel yelling at him, seeing that passion and confidence and that righteous angel he’d fallen in love with all those years ago on display.

“It does matter, Cas,” he said forcefully, “you deserved it all those years ago and I’m so sorry I’m late, but it was the least I could do.” He stepped into Castiel’s space, so close he could feel the other man’s rapid breaths on his face.

“I…I hope you’ll meet someone who deserves you, who’ll treat you right and make you happy,” he said, unable to stop himself from bringing a hand up to Castiel’s face and gently stroking his cheek. “You deserve to be happy, Cas. You deserve the world. I’m sorry I couldn’t give it to you.”

Dean let go of Castiel and took a step back, intending to quickly walk out of the room and out of Castiel’s life once more, before he lost the nerve and did something embarrassing like begging him to give him another chance.

But before he could move, Castiel had bridged the gap between them, grabbed his arms in a forceful grip, and was kissing him.

Dean’s brain took a while to reboot and come back online, by which time Castiel had backed Dean against the wall and was slipping his tongue inside of Dean’s mouth, his kisses rough and desperate while his hands roamed over Dean’s body.

“Cas…” Dean moaned as Castiel stopped kissing his lips only to mouth a wet trail down his chin and neck, finally latching onto a spot right above his collarbone and biting down. Dean barely managed to swallow a cry at the sharp pain as he watched Castiel lick the bite once before straightening and meeting Dean’s eyes.

“Cas, I think we should ta-”

“Enough talking!” Castiel interrupted him with a growl that went straight to Dean’s groin. He started trailing his hands down Dean’s chest and stomach until he reached his jeans. “I never thought I could have this again – have _you_ again,” he said while he was unbuckling Dean’s belt and slipping it off.

Dean moaned as Castiel made short work of his pants and boxers, pushing them down and freeing his cock, which was quickly hardening. Castiel started stroking him with a firm, steady hand as he captured Dean’s lips again in another deep kiss.

As Dean’s brain finally caught up with current proceedings, his hands went for Castiel’s black jeans, which were so tight Castiel had to let go of Dean to help him get them off. Once they were both naked from the waist down, Castiel quickly licked his right hand - which had Dean groaning in anticipation - before grabbing their leaking cocks in his hand and starting to jerk them off.

Completely overwhelmed with sensation, Dean could only grab Castiel’s buttocks firmly and pull him closer while licking into his mouth. Due to the lack of lube the handjob was a little on the painful side, but Dean couldn’t find it in himself to care, and Castiel was careful to catch each drop of precum and spread it around to lessen the friction anyways.

“Oh God, Cas,” Dean panted as Castiel nibbled on his earlobe, “I’ve wanted this for so long. Missed you so much.” The effect his words had on Castiel was clear when his movements started speeding up, becoming more frantic. Neither of them would last long, caught up in a whirlwind of lust and emotion.

Dean came with a cry as Castiel bit his neck at his pulse point, spilling himself all over both their cocks and Castiel’s hand. Castiel worked him through his orgasm, locking eyes with Dean. The passion and affection Dean saw in those eyes would’ve made him come again if he had been capable of doing so.

His mind was blissfully blank for a few seconds, but as he came back to himself he noticed Castiel hadn’t come yet, his cock red and swollen. Wordlessly, Dean sank to his knees – sparing a thought to be grateful for the fact that the room was carpeted – and took Castiel in his mouth.

There was no point in teasing – he could see Castiel was close and he wasn’t going to stretch this out, not this time. He grabbed Castiel’s hand and put it on his head while looking up at him and relaxing his mouth.

Castiel took it for the invitation it was, and started pumping in and out of Dean’s mouth, slowly at first but rapidly gaining speed as he saw that Dean was enjoying it. It had been a while for Dean. He’d been intimate with plenty of women but no other men since Castiel. He’d come close a couple of times, flirting in bars with handsome strangers, but every time Castiel’s face would flash before his eyes and he’d suddenly lose all interest.

Apparently this was something that you didn’t forget so easily, or maybe it was just that this was Castiel and Dean had never desired anyone so deeply in his entire life, but Dean had no problems relaxing his throat and taking Castiel in as deep as he could.

“Dean,” Castiel said huskily, his voice pitched lower than usual, “you feel so…” The hand in Dean’s hair tightened almost painfully. “Shit, I’m gonna…” he warned, trying to pull Dean off. But Dean refused and sucked hard instead, which pushed Castiel over the edge with a groan as he watched Dean drink every drop down.

When Castiel was spent, Dean let his softening cock fall from his mouth and stood up shakily, still a bit overwhelmed from his own orgasm. In wordless agreement, they both collapsed on the loveseat, not caring that they were sticky and sweaty and still had their pants around their ankles. What a pair they must make, Dean thought in wry amusement, and he had to stop himself from snorting out loud at the ridiculousness of it all.

Castiel noticed, though – he always did seem to know exactly what Dean was thinking, something that Dean had found a bit unsettling in the past but was grateful for now. It meant that Castiel would surely see how sincere he was about this… about them.

“Is something amusing you?” Castiel asked. Dean shook his head and took Castiel’s hand in his own. “It’s just, I can’t believe all this just happened. I see you again totally by chance after three years. Christ, I came out to my family on the _phone_. We just got each other off like teenagers in a dressing room at a club, and are now sitting on a couch with our dicks still hanging out. I mean, is this even real?”

The look in Castiel’s eyes was fond, and it mended something in Dean that he didn’t even know had been broken until then. “Dean Winchester,” he said softly, “Since I’ve joined The Seraphs I’ve travelled to many different places and met quite a few people along the way, some of them very – shall we say – unique.” Dean snorts at that. Yeah, he bets Castiel has met a few people in the entertainment industry with _interesting_ personalities.

Castiel punches his arm lightly in mock anger at Dean’s reaction. “But I’ve never met anyone who could infuriate and exasperate me quite as much as you,” he continues. “I honestly don’t know if you bring out the best in me or the worst.” Castiel shakes his head wryly.

“Are…” Dean swallowed and tried again. “Are you willing to find out?” The “with me, together” went unsaid, but he was sure it was clear as day to Castiel in the hopeful, pleading look in his eyes.

Castiel’s expression turned serious, and he stood up abruptly, reaching out to the nearby vanity table to grab some tissues. He handed some to Dean without comment, and they cleaned themselves up and put their clothes back in order. By the time they were fully dressed and somewhat presentable again, Dean’s nerves had returned, and if he hadn’t been grabbing the couch cushions he was sure his hands would be shaking.

He didn’t know what he was going to do if Castiel said that he wasn’t willing to at least try to make it work. Didn’t want to think about it. Now that he’d been able to hold him, to taste him again…he wasn’t sure he could let go.

Castiel was standing now, facing him, and Dean moved to stand too so they could at least be eye to eye as he received the verdict, so to speak.

“You realize that things _cannot_ be as they were before,” Castiel said in a tone that brooked no argument. “Regardless of what just happened between us, if we’re doing this we need to start over. Be on even ground. I think we both need to learn to trust each other again.”

Dean nodded, grabbed Castiel’s hand and squeezed it, needing the contact. “Yeah Cas, I can get behind that. Let’s take it slow. One step at a time.”

“One step at a time,” Castiel repeated, and squeezed back.

* * *

Two months later, The Seraphs’ tour had come to an end and they decided to go on a short break so the band members could go and be with their families. The first thing Castiel did was call Dean to arrange a flight to Kansas.  

A day later, Mary Winchester opened the door to find her eldest son standing on the porch with a blue-eyed, brown-haired man holding a bass guitar case behind him, a nervous look in his eyes.

“Well,” she said with a playful smile on her lips, “who might this be?”

Dean grabbed Castiel’s free hand and laced their fingers together. His heart skipped a beat at the affectionate smile that appeared on Castiel’s face, and the love in his eyes gave him all the courage Dean would ever need.

“Mom, this is Cas. My boyfriend.”

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed reading this. If you did, I'd be over the moon if you left a kudo and/or a comment.  
> A big thank you to [lennyways](http://lennyways.tumblr.com) for looking it over for me and reassuring me that it wasn't total crap :)  
> Come say hi to me on tumblr at [destielonfire](http://destielonfire.tumblr.com). I'm nice, I promise!


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